Friday, October 03, 2008

For the best ..

Most everyone has heard this time and time again .. but i am fairly certain that it is finally over .. Though it is something that we have talked about and attempted for a long time, i am still sad .. I have lost my best friend, i talk to him every day .. that's what will be the hardest part. And i look at the dog and know how much she loves him and that she will never see him again .. i am sure he is sad about that, too .. It's so hard to sit here and write this, though i know its all been my fault. I made my own choices knowing exactly what the consequences would be. He says i dont love him, otherwise i wouldnt have done the things i did .. that's not true. You always hurt the one you love. Wow, that's cliche. I do care deeply for him, i guess i just have some issues that i have to work out before i try this again. I am not making an excuse, i own up to every bad thing i did. He had decided to stay in spite of that and felt like shit every time he was near me. Now he has decided to leave. Which probably was the only way it would stick. After six fucking years.

So i stayed home today, mostly because my ears have been excruciating .. i spent the day cleaning, writing letters, reading, playing on the internet, making crafty things .. i bathed the dog .. and she just jumped on my lap, busting me in the nose causing it to bleed .. Nice going Willow ..

He says that he has a great support group of friends now that he is pleasantly surprised about .. he hasnt had many friends over the years so i am really happy for him, and a little envious as i have gone through spurts of being a recluse. I always plan on going to shows to see my friends but hours before my anxiety gets the best of me. The only way i am going to have lasting relationships with my friends is if i build them, if i make the effort. God, i need to move. That would help.

I am excited to say i am going out to the Olympic Peninsula tomorrow to see my family, finally, i havent been out there since June.

I think the thing that hurts the most is how dead on he is about me .. realizing my flaws and knowing how hard its going to be to correct them. But i will prevail. I hope.


ps. Isn't the Velvet Underground the perfect music for a rainy fall afternoon? I think so.

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