here's to the future

Is it easier to know that a relationship is ending or have the break-up be a sudden surprise?

either way, its lousy. 

i just spent today and last night gathering the last of my belongings from Richard's apartment. clothing, toiletries, computer files, board games, dog dishes. Though i hated that apartment its close quarters, messiness, ants. i shed a tear when i left today. 

5 years. 

of love, of hate, of playing and fighting. laughter .. lots of laughter. 

on the way home i found the heat not as bad as yesterday and i was compelled to take the long, scenic drive home down hwy 99 .. i take that drive and have all these thoughts and feelings going through my mind. i always wish i had the time and a camera to be able to stop along the way and photograph the city. i contemplated stopping at the fremont sunday farmers market. i saw the cruise ships along elliot bay and remembered the documentary on the titanic i watched last and wondered whether they even compare the size of it .. i guess i could look it up.

so now is a time for self reflection. before i can love another i have to love myself. wow is that cliche. 

so tomorrow we will speed to Portland together to slide into our front row seats for Eddie Izzard and then part ways. 

i know i can live without him but its going to take some time to find my way. 

so i will be throwing myself in art, friends, workouts. maybe school. hopefully stop loathing my job. 

here's to the future.

xo

Rain Rain Rain ..

It has been raining non-stop for a couple of days now .. typical spring weather .. i like it
Why bitch about the rain if you live in the Pacific Northwest .. i have always loved it.

I am finally on the mend. It's amazing how good feeling normal can be.

I have been feeling really artistic and inspired lately. I have been working on a few things at home. I love making things for the people i love. Personal things. So they know that i have paid attention.

I am LOVING the Scarlett Johansson album! Heart .. heart .. heart it! I love how sometimes i will listen to something and not really like that much and then find that the songs are stuck in my head and i HAVE to listen to it.

I am stuck at home this weekend. My car is being funny and i am broke till next Friday. Lots of time for artwork, films, and reading. Oh and cleaning my house as usual. There is still some clean-up from when i was sick.

Well, lunch is almost over. Daddy and Mommy are standing by. Must eat strawberries and blueberries fast.

xoxo

Renewal and Sickness

Ugh! i have been sick for a week now. I am sick of being sick. i am at work holding on for dear life.

So, a long time has passed since i last wrote on this blog. A lot and nothing has gone on. I am proud to know after reviewing previous posts that i have been off meds for over a year. Kickboxing didnt hold for transportation and personal reasons. But i have started a new work out routine and have seen results in as little as two - three weeks. Even friends and family have noticed. But i have to get back into my routine as i havent been working out due to illness.

I have had some recent inspirations which make the outlook brighter. LOTS more to come.

Break is over.

xoxo

Whole Wide World

Things are going well, i suppose. i have been off of my medication now for two whole weeks. i can still feela slight weirdness in my head at times, its difficult to explain the sensation. But otherwise my moods have been good, anxiety has been low.

i am still working out most days, going to my kickboxing classes. I have been to four so far. Then i have on tonight and tomorrow morning.

I am still not seeing any visual results. The only differences are my energy level and my moods. Both have been really high. So that's good.

I will be leaving for Billings on different dates now. I am not sure if i mentioned that before. I found out the Manplus is planning a mini tour to Missoula and Billings the weekend after my original dates so i changed my ticket for the next week. I will be leaving the night of May 30th and coming home June 4th. Manplus is attempting to book a venue in Billings on June 2nd and are having a hell of time with it, so Jared as told me.

You would think that they would be excited to have new acts come to town. School Yard Heroes has a show booked in Billings, for crying outloud. Why not Manplus?! Not only are they a new act for Billings from Seattle but it is half consisted of Montana natives! Where's the love?!

ok, gotta work ..

xo

Variety is the spice of life

I went to my second kickboxing class last night. I am not sure if having withdrawals from my meds is affecting my attention span or if what we were doing was just more complicated. I don’t know why I expected the same routines as last week. If we did the same thing every week, that would be boring.

Its interesting when I look at the people in my class its like I’ve known them. It reminds me of when I first started working for Clearly Lasik, at the time King and Mockovak Lasik. I was comfortable around them, I felt like I knew all of them. As if they were going to be people that I would get to know well and would be a regular part of my life. Its good for me to be feeling this for my fellow classmates because it means that I will be there for a long time, that I will continue to attend the school. (www.leadingedgekickboxing.com)

My partner last night was great. Her name is Holly and she is another red head. It may have been a mistake to have asked her to partner up because I think I got more of a work-out from giggling then from kickboxing. She was really sweet and encouraging.

I also did cardio on the elliptical before my class. I was so exhausted last night. Thirty minutes of cardio and an hour of kickboxing. I love that when the teacher, John, says to put the equipment away when class is over I am thinking, “Why?” then I look at the clock and discover that class is over. It goes by so quick.

So what’s funnier then watching a person walk into a sliding glass door? Watching your dog do it! Willow thought that I was about to open the door while we were outside and she banged right into it. I was almost on the ground from laughing so much. Hopefully there is no brain damage.

At some point in the middle of the night she managed to eat almost and entire 6 inch subway veggie patty sandwich and a white chocolate macadamia nut cookie. I don’t know how she did it. That thing was HALF HER SIZE!!! I was so pissed. I still am. I will probably get another one on the way home from the gym tonight. Just because I always get a twelve inch sandwich, eat half, and then save the rest for later. I will feel incomplete if I can’t start that process over again and not follow through. This time I won’t leave them on the coffee table.

xo

in my own skin ..

So today is either day three or day four without taking my medication. I cant remember if i took it Thursday night or Friday night. But i feel ok. I feel the effects a little more today than yesterday but the withdrawals aren't so bad as they have been in the past. I am hoping it wont get any worse. I am not concerned about the depression coming back as much as the anxiety. I am working out enough to not really worry about getting depressed.

I have been working out solid for almost two weeks now. Either i use the eliptical and lift weights in my office building, walk the dog, go to kickboxing class, or do my ball exercises at home. Even when i stay at Richard's i use his exercise bike.

I have been really good about my eating, too. The worst things i have had were pizza with low-fat ranch and mac n' cheese. The mac n' cheese WAS organic though. I was craving it and had to buy organic non-fat milk for it which was the first milk i have bought since January.

I haven't seen any results yet but Liz says it can take up to 6-8 weeks. Le sigh. I just have to keep at it. I have managed to turn the typical society reaction around to my advantage however. Whenever i see thinner, good looking girls in magazines or on television it just encourages me to work harder to reach my goal. I know i won't be Kate Moss thin, and i dont want to be. I want to be healthy and fit and more confident. I want to be comfortable in my own skin.

i have to pee

So i FINALLY bought a new cell phone!! After almost three weeks. I can get FM radio on it, which in itself is pretty basic but i have never had it on a cell phone before.

My weekend was normal. Watched some movies from Netflix .. The Baxter is very cute. Justin Theroux is smokin' hot and Michelle Williams is adorable.

I got up to clean my house on Saturday. I had the energy but then lost the motivation. I hate that.

It was generally a lazy weekend. Talked to my mommy and my brother. I hate the situation that my mom is in. Especially when there is nothing i can do about it, nothing i can help her with. She is just stuck running the restaurant, working her ass off constantly. That place is going to kill her.

Anyway .. i guess i dont have anything to talk about.

very heavy load ..

i was just on google.com where i have a personalized front page .. on the top it shows me the current song that is playing on KEXP. It was Manplus and it made my day .. i couldnt listen to it unfortunetely.

yesterday i bought a plane ticket to Montana for May 23rd through the 28th. I am excited. I get to meet my new niece, Madison, who was born last September and my best friend, Joelle, had a baby boy recently. I can't talk to her due to my lack of phone so i have no idea when he was born or even what his name is. :( But i can't wait to meet him!

Plus i get to bring Willow and that is always a good time.

It has been over a year since i have been back to sucky old Billings. It should be interesting.

I miss my mom.

present

I have attempted many times to create a seperate blog outside of myspace. I figure now would be a good time to finally commit to it considering i have limited access to myspace, this way i have an avenue to write and vent and hopefully keep people posted. Those that want to be kept posted.

So here we are .. its monday .. i am tired. Working on a special project at work. Fun fun.

I am planning a trip to Vegas for Richard and I. It is for a Star Trek Convention in August. I am excited and its also giving me motivation to get in shape for it. My goal is to be able to comfortably wear a bathing suit by then. Only 139 days to go.

On this diet, i have cut out coffee and am only drinking green tea. I have been eating mostly vegitarian since January already but am really dedicated to not cheating anymore. I plan to stop eating sweets. I did finish a some ice cream off yesterday. And i have been regularly going to the gym in my office building.

Ok, break is over.