These are confusing times ..

It has been really difficult for me to let go .. god knows how I've tried. I am only doing it to myself. I know that. But the neuro pathways have been formed and I don't know how to create new ones.

I don't know what my intention was in beginning this entry. My mind is now going in 12 different directions.

It has been over three weeks since I had any contact with him. In that last encounter, I screamed louder than I have in my entire life. I have yet to deal with the reason for it, I have to muster up all the courage I can on August 20th.

I want to call him, I want to text him, I want to email him. I want to yell and scream and tell him how much he hurt me and how much I hate him and then tell him how much I love him and beg him to come back. But neither of those scenarios will ever happen. I don't plan to speak to him anytime soon. If I can help it. I am actually pretty proud of the willpower I have had. Especially while drinking.

I have been trying my best to not express too much online with the thought that he just might read something and it will only feed his fucking ego.

My life will go on, my life is going on. I just have to learn how to go on without him on my mind. ALL THE TIME. I have to stop being afraid of running into him .. or worse, run into him with her. I can't even fathom how I would react to that.

I keep saying how I have amazing, tremendous people in my life. And they have helped me so much. (I cannot express enough how much I love Ellen) Now I even have someone new. A brand new friend of which I can have brand new adventures. He has already exposed me to new things that I am so excited about. I hope I can do the same for him.

This isn't over yet. There are more things I am needing to complete in order for this to be over once and for all. As cliche as it sounds, so I can get some closure.

Favorite new tv shows help. Spaced. It is so great but far too short. But seriously, a show where Simon Pegg preys to a poster of Buffy. Need I say more?

Anyway ..

xoxo