doublegrr ..

Friday Nights

2012-01-06T16:58:00.000-08:00

During the time I worked a full time job and didn't have too many friends in Seattle yet, I would be alone most weekend nights.

My boyfriend at the time worked an overnight job so I was left in our apartment to entertain myself.

Often, on Friday Nights, I would watch the latest movie trailers.

Being without a television for the past four years or so, I have fallen a little behind on the coming attractions. I would like to get back into that habit.

Here are a couple of trailers I sampled this evening that I wanted to share.

The Descendants

The Iron Lady - With what looks like a supporting roll by Anthony Stewart Head otherwise known as Giles :)

xoxo,
Pam

Our Christmas Challenge

2011-12-23T09:46:00.000-08:00

Last night I had to finally make the realization that we aren't going to have the most eventful holiday. Money is tight and we are both working. A situation that I suspect a lot of families are experiencing this year.

It sounds incredibly cliche but it makes you think about what the true meaning of the holiday is to you. As an individual. As a partner. As a family member.

For those that don't have a religious connection, it's just a day. But there is still meaning to it. There are still childhood memories that connect you to this time of year. Anticipation. Warm feelings. Being with family. Enjoying each other.

For me, I see lights and food and endless movies. A feeling of warmth and togetherness.

I can't allow myself to be disappointed by what we can't share with each other and be grateful for what we can. This is my first Christmas with Christian under the same roof, in the same city, in the same state, and though we are both busy and exhausted (and he sorta kinda is a bit bah humbug) .. We have to make the most of it.

Because when things are better and life is easier, we will look back on this and see our humble beginnings and be grateful and proud.

Happy Holidays!
xoxo

Wedding Wednesday

2011-12-21T13:36:00.000-08:00

If you know me at all you know that I am obsessed with Pinterest. One of my favorite aspects of it is finding ideas for my wedding that is somewhere in the near to distant future.

My fiance, Christian, proposed in March while we were traveling across the country during my move from Seattle to Cincinnati. I knew we planned on getting married and I knew that someday he would be popping the question but the timing was a complete surprise. Next year, we plan to move to Minneapolis and he had planned it while we were passing through there, which happened to be my first time.

Anyway, my point is, we have no date set. We plan for him to finish his degree in Urban Planning and deciding when we will be moving. We don't want to be too overwhelmed with too many big life events at once.

But I am still having a blast planning all the little details while also sharing it with my niece, Rachael, who is getting married in March. AND one of my best friends, Mandi, who is getting married in June. I'll be playing a roll in each wedding, as well. For Rachael's, I'll be taking all of the photos and for Mandi's I'll be a bridesmaid! So excited.

Feel free to check out my wedding pinboard here: To Have And To Hold.

I would love to get married in the fall. It's my favorite time of year. All the colors! I'm hoping to also incorporate the season into some of the wedding decor as well. Some fall colored bouquets and place settings with acorns.

acorns

We will definitely have an eco aspect to the event as well. Re-use is a huge passion of ours. And vintage being a passion of mine :)

vintage, thrifted plates

vintage tea tins

So, just a couple of ideas. These huge life events and Pinterest has reminded me why we are so lucky to have the internet and sites like this. I am able to share ideas for my wedding and their weddings while being hundreds of miles away from these important ladies. It makes the distance seem not so far.

xoxo,
Pam

Music Monday - the bird and the bee

2011-12-12T13:59:00.000-08:00

I came across this band on a friend's spotify page. I love their original music almost as much as their cover songs of Hall and Oates. When I hear Private Eyes and I Can't Go For That play at work while waiting tables, I can't help but hear Inara's sweet vocals in my head.

I also LOOOOOVE their Christmas song: Carol of The Bells

xoxo

Flashback Friday

2011-12-09T10:23:00.001-08:00

A year ago today, I took this photo ..

This photo is of my fiance, Christian, before we were engaged. We were both working at Victrola on 15th Ave E during his first visit to Seattle. He was working on schoolwork and I was working on a Christmas gift for my good friend, Jared. I was embroidering some Daniel Johnston artwork onto an apron. It turned out really well, unfortunetly I didn't take a photo of the finished product. Here are some more photos from that great week last December.

Some bokeh Pike Place Market action.

Us on the ferry heading over to the Olympic Peninsula to visit my family.

Meeting Hailey.

Just enjoying each other.

Rainy, festive market.

Hanging out with my niece, Mary, on his last night in town.

Now I am living in Ohio with Christian. Life has taken some turns for us lately but we're eternally grateful for each other.

xoxo

Music Monday - Noddy

2011-12-05T07:13:00.001-08:00

Getting back in the swing of things. Of course, my first edition of Music Monday has to involve a band that is very close to my heart. Thankfully, they recently released a new album.

Photo courtesy of Caitlin Henwright

If you know me at all you know I am speaking of the boys and girl of Noddy. A Seattle band that has undergone many transitions over the years but, I feel, they are at their strongest yet.

Here is their latest music video for Black Heart. You can find all things Noddy at getnoddy.com including some free downloads!

xoxo

p.s. They are also on Spotify!

p.s.s Three of these boys are going to be in my wedding. Bride's Gays, as I like to call them.

Flickr Faves Friday

2011-06-24T12:04:00.001-07:00

Okay, I haven't been here in ages. I keep intending to return. Gotta start somewhere. So here we go ..

Missing this city so much.

I love these stripe tailed squirrels.

Thorp Fruit Stand & Antique Mall, Ellensburg, WA. Photo by my good friend, Lori Paulson.

I love the idea of mixing dahlias (my favorite flower) and succulents for my wedding bouquet.

Say hi to Mowgli.

I just like this. That's all.

I love this old photo of Over The Rhine in Cincinnati.

I love the concept of this poster. Also, I was at this show with Lori and Reese.

Okay. That's it for now. Going to take a nap.

xoxo

New beginnings

2011-06-07T10:19:00.000-07:00

So, up until two weeks ago I had been unemployed since the middle of March. I made the big move from Seattle to Cincinnati and my mind has been all over the place. Adjusting to a new city, new home, new friends, new life. There are a few things I have been bad about, communication with my previous life, for one. And I have been wanting to start blogging again.

Though I do have a new job it's only part time so I still have free time. Knocking around the idea of revamping this space to fit my new life and surroundings. We'll see.

xoxo

Ch Ch Ch Changes

2011-01-23T20:46:00.000-08:00

Big changes going on in Pam Land.

So, currently, I live in Seattle and my boyfriend, Christian, lives in Cincinnati. It's been rough, to say the least. We spent time together in Cincinnati in September, he came and visited me in Seattle in December and I surprised him with a quick weekend visit for New Year's Eve.

Originally, we had planned to move to Minneapolis after Christian graduates college which based on the timing, and not wanting to move during the middle of winter, would be sometime in 2012.

A couple of months ago, I decided I couldn't wait that long. We plan to spend our lives together and I want that to start as soon as possible. So after much deliberation and an unfortunate situation with a crappy roommate, I will be moving to Cincinnati during the 3rd week in March 2011.

I am nervous and a little scared but really optimistic. I am already close with several of his friends. Visiting during New Years was like a reunion. It was incredible.

We planned that week because Christian will be on spring break and will be flying out here to help me wrap up packing, spend some time with friends and family and then together we will be driving 2,326 from my door-step to his.

I am so excited for this journey. Not only the long, amazing road trip but also the journey we will be on together.

He has changed my life more than anyone I have ever met. My outlook on life and my future is forever altered.

I hope to be consistent in updates of the next two months. I have already started parring down my belongings. I have donated a TON to Goodwill. I own too much honestly. I hope to be able to fit my life into my car and a rented trailer to make the trek across the country.

This will be a HUGE feat for me. I am a pack rat by nature and hold onto things with sentimental attachment or with the thought that I will "use it someday". Those thoughts must be a thing of the past. This is a fresh start for me and for us and there are many things that I need (and want) to get rid of and let go of.

Big changes, big transformation and I couldn't be happier.

xoxo

Flickr Faves Friday

2010-11-06T00:54:00.000-07:00

Ok, so techincally, Friday is over .. but I wanted to share my favorites on flickr from the past week and it slipped my mind before I went out. So here we go ..

Birdy.

Lifetime goal: To get my quilt on.

Kitteh + Teal

Oh Halloween. If only I was a little more enthusiastic about you this year.

I love this image so much. My close friends enjoying C+C's wedding. In the forefront, dancing Ellen and Patrick. To the left is Eric, Reese, and Jared's shoulder.

And Christie preparing for said wedding. Beautiful.

xoxo

I am not failing. More postponing rather.

2010-11-04T15:14:00.000-07:00

Okay, so, I swore I was going to post everyday for the month of November. But the past two days I have had nothing interesting to write about. I mean, the night before last I could have posted photos of some vintage bags I like on etsy and last night I honestly contemplated posting about the 27 emails in my inbox that I have sent to myself in order to not forget about a website or an article or an art project.

Sigh.

What I suppose I can write about and have thought about writing about is the current state my life is in. Which is pretty much fantastic. More so than ever. And it's only going to get better. (as long as my health exam goes well next week and I pay off my debt :D)

I was never one to think about the future. The word in itself was always so benign to me. When I think back I don't think it ever really registered in my brain. I hate those surveys that ask, "Where do you see yourself in 5 years?" I never knew the answer. I never had the slightest idea.

All of this has changed for me though. All of it. I have never wanted to embrace my future so much. It doesn't scare me anymore. Well, maybe a little but more in the sense of being nervous and anxious and restless waiting for it to begin.

Now, my future is bright. It's there. It exists and has promise. And hope.

And I really hate to be cliche and say this huge change is all due to a guy. Because it is. But when it actually happens to you, when you find that one person that feels the same feelings and wants the same future .. It isn't a lame cliche. It's how your life was always supposed to go and you had no idea that was how and why and where.

My future .. Our future, gives me purpose. It gets me out of bed in the morning. It forces me to work hard and think positively and make plans in my head and on paper.

So how has this come about with me finding this path and yet not being able to start it yet? Well, I live in Seattle and my boyfriend lives in Cincinnati. It will be like this for at least the next year. Unless I get too restless in the Spring. But shh ..

xoxo

My DIY Halloween 2010

2010-11-01T21:49:00.000-07:00

I hadn't decided what to be until about two weeks before Halloween. My good friend, Ellen, was dressing up as Snow White and I asked her what I should be and the first thing out of her mouth without any hesitation was, Pippi Longstocking! And that was it.

All I had to buy were overalls from Goodwill ($7) and wires from the craft store jewelry department ($1.99). Everything else I already had on hand. I cut the overalls into shorts and stitched on some squares of fabric using embroidery floss. So easy and so fun! The hair was a bit of a challenge at first but I quickly figured it out.

This is me and Jared, one of my oldest friends. He is dressed as Fred Schneider of the B52's. His band, Noddy, played them as a cover band for Come As You Aren't Battle of the Bands at the Skylark Cafe in West Seattle and won 2nd place! The show was amazing! So fun.

xoxo

November means ambition.

2010-11-01T20:25:00.000-07:00

I have been neglecting my blog for too long. For the month of November I plan to post once a day. Worth while posts. Nothing half assed.

I think I can, I think I can, I KNOW I can.

This one doesn't count for Nov 1st, I will be posting about my Halloween costume shortly.

xoxo

Flickr Faves Friday

2010-10-29T14:31:00.000-07:00

Recent flickr favorites from the past week or so ..

Lovelies.

Pretty.

Miss this city.

Oh the possibilities.

It's coming.

Who Who.

My future city?

I haven't been trying too hard to get back on here. I'm fired.
xoxo

WANT.

2010-10-02T17:37:00.000-07:00

It's been far too long ..

2010-08-09T11:01:00.001-07:00

As soon as I figured out the concept of tumblr, I pretty much stopped posting here. Not as if I was really good about it anyway.

Life has been crazy this Summer. And completely incredible. I am so grateful for the people in my life. New and old.

I didn't used to be a Summer person. My favorite season will always and forever be Autumn. But as I grow older and become more comfortable with myself and my surroundings it has made this dreaded season much more enjoyable. Some people think I'm crazy for loving the rain over the sun but I am liking it more and more.

We, of course, have had a very mild Summer in Seattle. I believe we have only had one day that actually reached 90 degrees. The nights still cool off pretty easily. I am thinking of selling my air conditioner that my Dad bought me last year (Against my wishes) during our horrible heat spell. It would mean some extra cash and some space in my closet.

When I visited Montana at the end of July, it was pretty warm there. I wanted to come home just to stop sweating. It wasn't too bad though. I will most likely experience the same weather when I visit Cincinnati in the first week of September.

That's right. I will be taking a trip to fabulous Cincinnati, Oh! Something I never imagined happening in my lifetime: Visiting Kentucky and Ohio. But, needless to say, I have met someone very special that I will be visiting. I hope to have some amazing experiences getting to know him more, and his friends. Drinking great beer, eating great food, and listening to some great live music. This Summer just keeps getting better and better.

I am not sure if I can gaurentee that I will be updating more. Life just seems to get in the way of life. I will try though.

xoxo

Tumbled ..

2010-03-12T11:59:00.000-08:00

So I finally took the time to figure out how tumblr works: It's fun.

xo

New surroundings ..

2010-03-03T10:35:00.000-08:00

I have put off fixing up my bedroom for too long. I have been in my apartment for almost a year now and my bedroom has basically just been "make-shift", which will not stand.

So this weekend I bought a can of teal paint, my new favorite color. I am almost finished, just one little wall left. It looks amazing! I love it!

Ellen and I went to Ikea this weekend and I bought a wall mirror, that I have eyed for a couple of years, and a little shelf to put on the wall next to the bed. And I also picked out a bed frame ..

I see so many photos on weheartit.com of magical, yes magical, bedrooms and that is what I plan on turning mine into. Luckily, the bed has TONS of storage space underneath. Hopefully, this will make my closet less cluttered.

So my mission for this afternoon is to put the bed frame together and finish painting, there is some touch up needed as well.

I am SO EXCITED to show you when it's all finished. It makes me terribly happy.

xoxo

I love my city ..

2010-02-25T12:00:00.000-08:00

1. 31 in Seattle, 2. P1233720, 3. Untitled, 4. rainy*night, 5. space needle under construction c1962 (?), 6. Seattle Space Needle and Experience Music Project, 7. Seattle Engulfed in a Glowing Blanket of Fog., 8. Seattle Convention and Visitors Bureau logo, 1969, 9. Seattle Fireworks (4th of July 2008), 10. Untitled, 11. Untitled, 12. Seattle, 13. Space Needle Sunset and Plane, 14. Kerry park, 15. 1, 16. Night in Seattle, 1913

Gonoherpesyphilaids Day - Break-up Mix Tape - Part 2

2010-02-16T07:03:00.000-08:00

There was something wrong with the HTML and it wouldn't let me save or post so I started a second post:

The songs and artists that are missing include:

Man Plus - Butterscotch Kisses

Man Plus - Down At My Place

Noddy - I Am Becoming You (download free: http://noddy.indiedino.com)

Mike Park

Chris Garneau

Please also consider listening to one of my favorite episodes of This American Life titled Break-Ups. Especially the story by Starlee Kine.

And a special episode of All Songs Considered for Valentine's Day wherein they feature nothing but break-up songs.

Yeah, I'm an NPR nerd among other things.

Thank you for listening. I hope you enjoy these songs and artists as much as I have.

xoxo

Gonoherpesyphilaids Day - Break-up Mix Tape

2010-02-14T21:28:00.001-08:00

As you can see, I have been working on one particular tape for awhile. Hence, the page of scribbles and notes above that I have revised over and over since last Spring.

First of all, I have to point out how difficult of a process this was .. not the emotional side, per say, but actually finding a suitable service that creates playlists. I didn't want to just list out the songs, I wanted you to have the option of easily listening to the songs without having to take the time to purchase and download them.

I wanted to find a service that would allow me to add my own mp3s as well because there are some artists on these lists that I knew wouldn't be available as they are independent artists that are not on a mainstream label, i.e. Man Plus and Noddy .. and Mike Park for some reason.

Ok, so about the lists. These aren't necessarily "break-up songs" .. the way I see it, an artist writes a song for themselves to convey a thought or feeling. Most of them release their piece to share their art and to share these thoughts and feelings with the hopes that someone will either like the way it sounds or will relate to the poetry created from real life events. On my side, as the listener, I hear something I like and whether or not I understand what exactly that artist was going through or attempting to express, I try to find my own meaning in the words. Find my own way to relate to it.

A lot of these songs were in my life for some time and only became more apparent and meaningful to me after going through two very difficult break-ups. In one year, I might add .. yeah, it's a process .. haha .. Other songs just happened to fall into my lap during the rough times and when I heard them either my jaw would drop or a tear would well up at the shear coincidence that what I was hearing was exactly what I was feeling at that moment.

This has been the most transformative year of my life. I can't say I wouldn't change anything but I am proud of what I have learned about people, myself, and life in general. There are days when I can see light at the end of the tunnel .. and days when I can't. But I know that this too shall pass ..

Now onto the music ..

dick. records

V. records - This one is a work in progress

Honorable Mentions

A good portion of the 'Honorable Mentions' were suggestions from friends.

Thank you for listenting. I hope you enjoy these songs and artists as much as I have.

xoxo

Hysterics!

2010-02-02T08:56:00.000-08:00

Music is the best and worst thing. I concern myself so much with my current state of mind that I get lost in the music I relate to. Or I turn it into something to relate to.

It's mystifying how a song can have a meaning one day and a completely different meaning the next. It can evoke something in you that you never saw.

A love song one week could make your heart sing along and the next week make it cry along.

I don't know if I should feel glad or pathetic finding the only relatable thing to lyrics being my dog ..

"Home is where ever I'm with you." - Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros
"You suddenly complete me." - The Yeah Yeah Yeahs

I guess I should be grateful I at least have something to deflect onto .. Or someone, I suppose.

And someone to cuddle with.

xoxo

ps. sorry, i've been MIA ..

Teal Tuesday ..

2010-02-02T07:00:00.001-08:00

My new favorite color!
xoxo

2010-01-12T10:55:00.000-08:00

source.

xoxo

I ♥ Poster Caberet

2010-01-05T11:01:00.000-08:00

Bon Iver, Cold War Kids, The Dead Weather, Iron and Wine, Jenny Lewis x2, The Kills, Kings of Leon, The Shins, She & Him, Spoon x2.

Love them all .. Just getting into Kings of Leon, not quite sure yet if I like them, I just really liked the poster.

They can all be found at Poster Caberet .. They have tons of other misc art prints as well .. So much beauty and inspiration!

You should also check out ALL of these bands .. a must!

xoxo

Who hates Sundays?

2010-01-03T16:36:00.001-08:00

I DO!

I usually don't even want to get out of bed let alone get out of the house. But I need to grocery shop for the week and make a large pot of soup to begin my cleanse for the New Year.

Anyhoo .. Here is some recent inspiration:

Hate is easy, Love takes Courage.

xoxo

ps. all photos from weheartit.com .. click at will ..

100 Resolutions

2010-01-01T19:20:00.000-08:00

Where have I been all your life?
Sitting on fences, a novocaine for all the senses.
Another year will pass us by.
Making sense of nothing, in defense of something.
I laughed too late and dug myself into a grave.
This year I'll try not to think too much.
This year I'll try to stand up for myself.
This year I'll live like I've never lived before,
this is my year for sure.
Another stupid clumsy story.
More accidental aspirations.
Another explosion of silence.
I think I'm going deaf, or maybe I'm just hearing less.
This year I'll try to only listen to myself.
This year I'll try not to think too much.
This year I'll try to stand up for myself.
This year I'll live like I've never lived before,
this is my year for sure.
I wonder where you'll be bringing in the new year.
As midnight clocks are singing,
good chance I'll be slobbering somewhere.
Probably pass out, wasted, and sleeping until the smoke clears.
Vague memories of midnight flash in tune to morning sunlight.
Wake up knowing you'll never be there.
I've got 100 resolutions, but I've got no solutions.
I've got one song I write 100 times.
And only a dozen or so rhymes.
This year I'll try not to drink so much.
This year I'll try to stand up straight.
This year let's live liked we've never lived before,
this is our year for sure.

The Lawrence Arms

Sharing is caring ..

2009-12-29T14:55:00.001-08:00

Sattler's Ho Trains and Hobbies .. Ho Trains?! Wha? too funny ..

Apparently, this is the Sattler Theater .. I couldn't find a photo with the name in it ..

Here is the outside ..

Love this!

Sattler, Texas..

xoxo

I fell off my name ..

2009-12-28T15:09:00.000-08:00

ok .. blog post .. tried this a few times over the weekend, here we go ..

I am in sort of a light place and a dark place right now. Some hope was diminished but then some sprang up in a new place .. Let's vague that up, shall we?

I was on a creative streak and then something difficult happened and it just added fuel to the fire. Which is exciting finding inspiration in pain and darkness .. I just need to stop being afraid of the world and start being honest with myself ..

There is no better loss than to lose myself in you -Mute Math

There is one thing we've got going and it's the only thing worth knowing. It's got lots to do with magnets and the pull of the moon - Frightened Rabbit

I loved you before the winter came - Noddy

Are we gonna have it out?
Are you gonna throw your punch?
Lose your pretty cool
Cause I will make you sorry
I'm gonna make you sorry

But, baby, I'm yours ..

Man Plus

How the hell could I have guessed that you meant no when you said yes?
I am a fool for loving you ..
Man Plus

To the times when it was quiet and all we could do was gaze at one another. At least it was quiet in my head. Now it is so fucking loud in here .. This is the storm after the calm.

Out of pain and sorrow, I make beauty with my bare hands ..

Some recent photos and song lyrics that have moved me .. Also, some poetry of my own .. I can't wait to go home and paint ..

oh and new hair color! You can't really see it here ..

xoxo

Death of me ..

2009-12-16T09:12:00.001-08:00

Do I have nothing good left to say?
Do I need whiskey to start fueling my complaints?
People love to drink their troubles away.
Sometimes I feel that I'd be better off that way.

'Cause maybe then I could sleep at night.
I wouldn't lie awake until the morning light.
This is something that I'll never control.
My nerves will be the death of me, I know.
I know, I know.

So here's to living life miserable.
And here's to all the lonely stories that I've told.
Maybe drinking wine will validate my sorrow.
Every man needs a muse and mine could be the bottle.

Maybe then I could sleep at night.
I wouldn't lie awake until the morning light.
This is something that I'll never control.
My nerves will be the death of me, I know.

Finally, I could hope for a better day.
No longer holding on to all the things that cloud my mind.
Maybe then the weight of the world wouldn't seem so heavy.
But then again I'll probably always feel this way.

At least I know I'll never sleep at night. (Sleep at night)
I'll always lie awake until the morning light. (Til the morning light)
This is something that I'll never control.
My nerves will be the death of me.
My nerves will be the death of me.

My nerves will be the death of me, I know.

I wish I had more hair ..

2009-12-07T11:49:00.000-08:00

I mean I wish it was thicker .. or that I had more .. well, it makes sense in my head ..

So ..

Good-bye beautiful Fall ..

Hello harsh Winter ..

So it is freezing cold in Seattle .. No snow yet .. fingers crossed we don't get any for awhile .. Due to the fact I moved to a different part of town and am WAY farther from work, commuting will be a challenge in snow .. I need to map out a back way with not so many hills. It isn't as if I am not capable of driving in snow, I mean, I grew up in Montana. It is just that this city freaks out when it snows and they don't handle it well .. plus, you know , hills .. lots and lots of steep steep hills.

Had a good weekend .. Productive, very productive. Went to two holiday parties, the first was super fun .. Tracy made her apartment very festive complete with mulled wine and whiskey cider, I did not partake in either however. Took some classic photos though ..

I did A TON of cleaning and organizing, I even moved furniture to clean behind it. My bedroom closet is almost back in order, I was looking at it thinking, "Why are there so many empty hangers?" and then remembered I still have bags of clothes in Martha's car from our laundromat adventure a month ago. Ugh. So far I have a big box and two big garbage bags full for donation with a couple other things I put directly in the car. It feels good, very good, to have more room in my tiny house.

Oh! and I bought a new AWESOME purse at Atlas Clothing! I had to contemplate it beforehand but love it more everytime I look at it .. I will take some photos.

I am sneezy today .. allergies .. annoying ..

Tomorrow hopefully I will be taking a much needed walk around Green Lake with a good friend and maybe get some skate park shots ..

Here's hoping ..
xoxo

Is it naive to think I could be any comfort?

2009-12-02T15:27:00.000-08:00

What is it that causes connections between people? How do you meet a stranger and feel as if you've known them your whole life? How is it that you could reconnect with someone after years of seperation and with no word in between but feel as if not a day had gone by?

Why do we crave people? Crave companionship, long for partnership. And yet on the flip side, some of us don't. Some of us can live independently and not rely on anyone, but others are crippled by lonliness.

Human chemistry, behavior and emotions can truly be a mystery.

I often wish I could understand how my mind works. Why I long for certain people and not others. Why I can be curled in dispair one minute and as high as a cloud the next. Why and if I have fallen prey to my genetic predisposition to want a substance to feel comfortable and normal.

I don't believe that any one person can be completely free of regrets. Yes, our decisions have put us where we are today and made us who we are today but there has to be at least one tiny regret somewhere in those decisions. Maybe I don't believe it because I have too many regrets.

I regret saying yes ..
I regret saying no ..
I regret doing this ..
I regret doing that ..

I think I know what my number one regret is however and it is something that can be mended. Something I can change in the immediate future. Maybe I will need help, maybe I won't. Maybe I am naive in thinking I won't need help.

Wow, this went in a totally different direction than I had planned ..

ah well .. at least I don't regret where it went ..
xoxo

My life in iPhone photos .. Vol. 1

2009-11-30T22:51:00.000-08:00

I got this idea from Elsie and her cell phone photo post.

These are all since I bought my iPhone in March? Some are the original, some are edited with apps ..

This was the day I bought my phone, I also made a stop at Bath and Body Works and bought my favorite scent in bubble bath form. This became a bad habit, tweeting in the tub. I never dropped my phone *knock on wood* thankfully ..

Neumos - Capitol Hill Block Party - Seattle, WA - Edited using ColorSplash

Me n' Ellen on 'Prom Night' .. Edited with CameraBag

One of my favorites, my Dahlia that bloomed off me porch. It got even bigger after this! Love it ..

Puppa

Frightened Rabbit - Neumos - Seattle, WA - This is also one of my favorites .. Edited with CameraBag and a little iPhoto. One of the best shows I have seen in my life ..

Poly Drive - first photo after leaving the airport in Billings - First time home in over a year

My niece, Madison, after her third birthday .. Passed out with fairy wings, glow stick necklace, and green rubber frogs boots still on

The Smith Tower - Enough said ..

Front porch @ V's

Back porch @ V's

I could seriously have an entire post about clouds .. lots and lots of clouds .. its an obsession

Hailey Sue, my goofy girl ..

Crafts with my girls

Ella and her new love for bykes ..

The Market

ok, that is only a select few .. feel free to check out more here. You can also click on the photos above to head on over to flickr ..

Thanx for looking!
xoxo

Call It Off ..

2009-11-28T15:02:00.001-08:00

I won't regret saying this
This thing
That I'm saying
Is it better than
Keeping my mouth shut
That goes without saying
Call, break it off
Call, break my own heart
Maybe I would have been
Something you'd be good at
Maybe you would have been
Something I'd be good at
But now we'll never know
I won't be sad
But in case
I'll go there
Everyday,
To make myself feel bad
There's a chance
I'll start to wonder
If this was the thing to do
I won't be out long
But I still think it better if
You take your time
Coming over here
I think that's for the best
Call, break it off
Call, break my own heart
Maybe I would have been
Something you'd be good at
Maybe you would have been
Something I'd be good at
But now
We'll never know
I won't be sad
But in case
I'll go there
Everyday,
To make myself feel bad
There's a chance
I'll start to wonder
If this was the thing to do
I'll start to wonder
If this was the thing to do

flickr

Friday Afternoon Survival Kit

2009-11-06T16:56:00.000-08:00

Sugar free redbull, smart water, burt's bees, purell, generic dayquil, sugar free cough drops, notebook and pen .. Oh and iPod of course flipping back and forth between tunes and NPR .. AKA work boredom :)

So I'm sick again .. second time in about a month. No time off this time, I have used up all of my PTO.

My friends are gone :( Just a few but the ones I am closest to and spend the most time with other than Ellen. I have been pestering her with texts today to see if she is free this weekend.

I do plan to keep myself busy with lots around the house, crafting, maybe some painting, and catching up on correspondence. Some blogging perhaps about bugs and bruises .. You'll see what I mean.

Here are two of the lovely faces I am missing:

xoxo

Dearest Foresaken ..

2009-11-05T13:51:00.000-08:00

Days like this are perfect for Iron & Wine ..

This photo is a couple of weeks old but the weather conditions aren't much different today .. I love how there are three different images in one .. The rain on the window, the falls colors outside, and the reflection of my hands holding the camera.

Five of my closest friends have left or are leaving town yesterday, today, and tomorrow .. Did that make sense? Some for a couple of days, some for weeks .. It's sad but is a good time for self reflection and hopefully spend some time with my family if this darn cold would go away .. Second time in a month I have been sick .. Good times. I'm thinking of doing a cleanse this weekend, a quick one. Raw foods, herbs, tea, and soup. That way when my friends return, I will be refreshed and (hopefully) healthier and ready for new adventures.

I also plan to be very productive this weekend. Get some painting done (kitchen and bathroom), and some other forms of painting hopefully. Lots of knitting, I would LOVE to make a Christmas pom pom wreath like James of Bleubird Vintage! Her wreath is fall colors, which I LOVE fall colors but it seems a bit late to me. We'll see. My sewing machine is in a black bag with bug killer, more on that in a later post, so that's out of the question.

I am hoping my niece, Mary, who is back from Spain after three years, will stop by with her friend, Jeanette, so we can do some crafting an catching up! So excited to see her!

anyway, I should get back to work ..
xoxo

It's almost time ..

2009-10-29T15:11:00.000-07:00

Halloween is two days away .. well, close enough .. I have almost my entire costume completed .. So excited! I will be heading out on Capitol Hill with my wonderful friends! I will post photos of my costume and the night this weekend .. Here are some great costumes found on Flickr ..

Adorable!

I want to do this someday ..

I opted to be a different Max this year ..

So creative!

This one cracks me up! Doctor Who and a Dalek on rollerskates!

Oh my god! Almond Joy and Mounds!

Here is me and Willow last year .. We matched! She is missing her Bumble Bee antenea.

There have been a few changes in my world recently. Life has been chaotic in good and bad for the past two weeks, thankfully, the good outweighed the bad and the bad is hopefully gone for good .. I have been so exhausted that blogging wasn't a priority. There are a few more kinks to work with the good before I can divulge any information .. but I will in due time. These are trying times but my heart is singing ..

Anyway, have a safe and happy Halloween!
xoxo

oh Betty ..

2009-10-22T15:52:00.001-07:00

Phoenix ..

2009-10-15T14:37:00.000-07:00

They say an end can be a start
Feels like I've been buried yet I'm still alive
It's like a bad day that never ends
I feel the chaos around me
A thing I don't try to deny
I'd better learn to accept that
There are things in my life that I can't control

They say love ain't nothing but a sore
I don't even know what love is
Too many tears have had to fall
Don't you know I'm so tired of it all
I have known terror dizzy spells
Finding out the secrets words won't tell
Whatever it is it can't be named
There's a part of my world that' s fading away

You know I don't want to be clever
To be brilliant or superior
True like ice, true like fire
Now I know that a breeze can blow me away
Now I know there's much more dignity
In defeat than in the brightest victory
I'm losing my balance on the tight rope
Tell me please, tell me please, tell me please...

If I ever feel better
Remind me to spend some good time with you
You can give me your number
When it's all over I'll let you know

Hang on to the good days
I can lean on my friends
They help me going through hard times
But I'm feeding the enemy
I'm in league with the foe
Blame me for what's happening
I can't try, I can't try, I can't try...

No one knows the hard times I went through
If happiness came I miss the call
The stormy days ain't over
I've tried and lost know I think that I pay the cost
Now I've watched all my castles fall
They were made of dust, after all
Someday all this mess will make me laugh
I can't ewait, I can't wait, I can't wait...

If I ever feel better
Remind me to spend some good time with you
You can give me your number
When it's all over I'll let you know
If I ever feel better
Remind me to spend some good time with you
You can give me your number
When it's all over I'll let you know

It's like somebody took my place
I ain't even playing my own game
The rules have changed well I didn't know
There are things in my life I can't control
I feel the chaos around me
A thing I don't try to deny
I'd better learn to accept that
There's a part of my life that will go away

Dark is the night, cold is the ground
In the circular solitude of my heart
As one who strives a hill to climb
I am sure I'll come through I don't know how
They say an end can be a start
Feels like I've been buried yet I'm still alive

I'm losing my balance on the tight rope
Tell me please, tell me please, tell me please...

If I ever feel better
Remind me to spend some good time with you
You can give me your number
When it's all over I'll let you know

If I ever feel better
Remind me to spend some good time with you
You can give me your number
When it's all over I'll let you know

If I ever feel better
Remind me to spend some good time with you
You can give me your number
When it's all over I'll let you know

source.

Someday ..

2009-10-14T09:54:00.000-07:00

But only I have the power to make it so ..

source.

xo

Sicky McSickerson ..

2009-10-09T11:55:00.001-07:00

It sounds weird but I kind of look forward to being sick .. It gives me a legitimate excuse to not be at work and I get to hang out at home with my animals and "get things done" .. I always complain that there aren't enough hours in the day, but in truth I have plenty of time in the day I just am easily distracted and quickly lose motivation and energy to do the creative things I want to do.

But then when I am sick and at home and am like, "Right! Let's get shit done, yo!" I have a dizzy spell and remember that legitimate reason why I am not at work .. "OH yeah! I really am sick! Shit." And I have to sit down.

Like, right now, I know my good friend and neighbor, Mikey, is at home and I would love to have some one on one time with him and go get coffee. But I honestly don't think I would make it all the way to 15th.

It's a good thing, the day before I was really sick that I took HUGE advantage (finally) of my half day an did some serious cleaning in my house. Being sick in a clean house is much better then in a messy house.

So today I will attempt to:
1. Do the dishes.
2. Re-write my music list for all social-networking sites. (sorta lame but important)
3. Finish my Man Plus scrapbook page.
4. Attempt some laundry. (double attempt is required)
5. Post some recent photos.
6. Not think about stupid boys.
7. Finish knitting Conor's hat and start on either another hat or scarf.
8. Rip up some magazines.
9. Go through important papers.
10. Maybe blog again.
11. Try to crochet again. Online tutorials are difficult for me.
12. Call my Mother.
13. Remember how lucky I am. *gasp* I could use this as a scrapbook page theme!
14. "How lucky am I?" scrapbook page.
15. Play with the puppa.
16. Bake some banana bread, finally. My freezer is full of bananas.
17. Study some Gimp tutorials.
18. Read photography book.

I am starting to think maybe this should be a weekend list .. it's pretty long.

I had better get started. And I will leave you with some eye candy .. My new obsession, vintage 50s and 60s style dresses. These are from the etsy shop, My Favorite Vintage. Enjoy!

Straight outta Mad Men! I've always loved this style of fashion but never thought I could pull it off till I went to Montana Vintage when I was home a couple of weeks ago and one particular dress I tried on made me feel I was a secretary at Sterling Cooper. Here is the one I ended up buying. Not a great photo but the dress feels like it was made for me. It fits perfectly!

xoxo

Want Want Want!

2009-10-08T10:45:00.000-07:00

I stumbled across this blog via bleubird vintage and found these ADORABLE little woodland creatures by Skunkboy Creatures! So excited about these:

Also, this was inspiring from her blog:

... on myself
xoxo

Happy/Sad

2009-10-08T07:05:00.001-07:00

source.

dreaming about ..

2009-10-05T13:15:00.000-07:00

1. Grey Gardens - The new version starring Drew Barrymore and Jessica Lange.

I love the concept of this photo ..

2. Feist

3. Banana Bread

My home town, Billings, MT, just got hit with their first snow last night and it is still coming down apparently. I was just there two weeks ago and it was 90 degrees. Usually Halloween is when the first snow hits. Our planet is slowly changing.

I forgot to set my alarm last night and was two hours late for work. I slept 9 hours and woke up sore. Once I got to work I started to feel worse and worse. I think I am getting sick. Yuck. I picture my next few days filled with bowls of chilli and knitting in front of my computer while watching movies.

Wish I had someone to spoon with .. Happy Monday! sort of ..

xo

Almost Famous ..

2009-09-30T06:57:00.000-07:00

Check out local Seattle music photographer, Chona Kasinger, at her opening at Cupcake Royale in West Seattle .. Opening Party on Oct 8th!

You can view her photosteam here.

Seriously, this chick has been everywhere .. Support local artists!

xoxo

Heartilation ..

2009-09-24T11:43:00.000-07:00

I wanna break apart my heart
Glue the pieces to my car
Crash it into a wall
I don't want to feel at all
I want to break apart my heart

Douse it in gasoline
So the fire burns clean
Flick a cigarette like that movie Con Air
Doused in gasoline

And if you think you are better than me
You're right
There's no one to love
There's no one to trust
In my life

I want to pick up the pieces
And plant them in the ground
When a tree grows there
I want to chop that tree down

Build it into a boat
And float it in a lake
And with dynamite
I will explode that thing
That makes me make mistakes

And if you think you are better than me
You're right
There's no one to love
There's no one to trust
In my life

Sometimes I get lonesome
I can't breathe
Sometimes I get so scared
That I can't speak
Sometimes I get so worried
I can't hear my heart beat
Anyway, anyway

I wanna tear out my heart
And give it away
To a person more deserving one day

And if all I see
Is the worst in everything
That's all I'm gonna get
That's all I'm gonna get
That's all I'm gonna get

And if you think you are better than me
You're right
There's no one to love
There's no one to trust
In my life
There's no one to love
There's no one to trust
In my life
There's no one to love
There's no one to trust
In my life

Busiest week this month ..

2009-09-14T10:53:00.000-07:00

Had a great weekend! Brought my two groups of friends together for the Noddy show. All my new friends loved it! I was so relieved. The show was SO GOOD! Can't wait to hear more. Photos will be posted soon.

This week is filled with packing, knitting, uploading, cleaning, stressing, rocking, flying, hugging, smiling, eating, drinking, relaxing. Well, probably not the last one so much. Funning! haha .. new word!

The Scottish Invasion is at Neumos on Wednesday night (Frightened Rabbit, We Were Promised Jetpacks, The Twilight Sad .. SO EXCITED!) so I have to get everything ready to go to Montana tonight and tomorrow night. I planned on working 10 hours everyday for Mon, Tues, and Wed but I don't think I can do it. 9 hours each day should be plenty.

I know I won't be finishing, or getting even remotely close to finishing, my knitting. Some people will just have to get some stuff in the mail for Winter.

I am so psyched for Billings. For the first time in about four or five years I get to go and not feel bad about it. Not get shit for it. Not be chastised for it. Not argue about it. Actually, I don't feel bad about anything I do anymore. My life is better. SO MUCH better.

The day I come back is the first day of fall! My favorite season. I am excited for the leaves to start changing so I can photograph my new neighborhood. Here is a peek at what I shot last year:

And this year, no one will make fun of me for taking so many photos of trees ..

xoxo

Noddy @ the Skylark Cafe tomorrow night!

2009-09-11T12:30:00.000-07:00

The love-child of Man Plus .. Noddy! has a show tomorrow night at the Skylark Cafe in West Seattle. Before you groan about going to West Seattle, it's literally RIGHT off the bridge.

This is my favorite photo of Jared and Ellen of Man Plus that I took at the Skylark in April of 2008.

If you come out, maybe I will buy you a drink .. MAYBE! :)

Watch out world! Here comes Noddy!

OH! And the show is FREE ..

xoxo

Thinking ..

2009-09-10T15:36:00.000-07:00

TheVoiceThatSaid

xo

You people make my ass twitch ..

2009-09-08T09:57:00.001-07:00

I had a great weekend with my nieces and Hailey! We watched Glee (again), Across the Universe (it was my second time in two days), Evan Almighty (cute), The Love Guru (not so cute, Mike Myers has lost it i think), Juno (twice, once with the commentary).

Rachael and Cara text constantly. I guess I am not really one to talk.

We went to Game works .. DANCE, DANCE REVOLUTION!

And Pike Place Market (briefly) .. That's my Dad and Hailey in the middle.

Then we went to Cupcake Royale .. Hailey was in awe of the guy with the one foot tall mohawk. We all simultaneously ate the bottoms of our cupcakes first.

We made crafty things with perler beads ..

Then some Photo Booth fun ..

I made them listen to a lot of Neutral Milk Hotel and Ted Leo and the Pharmacists. To the point where they were starting to know the words.

I missed Bumbershoot but that's ok .. It felt weird not hanging out with my friends. Martha and Paul were at Bumbershoot and Mike and John went to Portland. Maybe we all needed a break from eachother.

xoxo

Surprises ..

2009-09-04T09:44:00.000-07:00

This was in my livingroom when I arrived home last night:

Freaky!

The house I live in wasn't occupied for a long time before I moved in so I have found quite a few spiders. Inside and outside. Plus the weather is starting to slightly change so they are preparing to move inside.

Also, I have this pesky habit of not harming living things and I can't always bring myself to kill them so I let them outside. They probably just come right back in.

Eek!

I am picking up the girls after work tonight to stay for the weekend! So excited!

xoxo

New guilty pleasure ..

2009-09-02T17:26:00.001-07:00

I KNOW! Totally not like me ..

But seriously .. I wanted to check out this show when I first heard about it just to see how bad it was but for teen shows on the family channel, it really isn't that bad ... No really!

The names are mostly the same, above is a photo of the sisters, Bianca and Kat. It takes place in California rather than "Seattle" and they had to change the story line a bit to make it fit for tv but all in all .. it's decent. The pilot was a bit to be desired but aren't they all? There are some interesting twists and the acting isn't bad. Of course it is a bit over the top but it has to be a bit cheese ball for the tweens and teens.

The young actor that plays Patrick Verona, originally played by Heath Ledger, sadly does not have an accent. I half expected him to. He doesn't say anything until about his fourth or fifth scene but when he does .. Whoa. His voice pulls you in.

I also like the actress that plays Kat Stratford, the oldest sister. I like the wardrobe they have for her, I dont know if I could pull it off, I am too colorful. Below is what she has hanging on the rear view mirror in her old, beat up Volvo .. Love it!

I still haven't plugged in my TV since I moved, so I have been watching it on Hulu ..

xoxo

So busy ..

2009-09-01T15:27:00.001-07:00

So much to do .. school is supposed to fit in there somewhere but I am unsure what day I start at this point. Sometime towards the end.

So exciting!

Oh, I also have to fit in a butt load of knitting before my trip to Billings! I thought for awhile that I wasn't going so I stopped. Catch up time! I will post photos of what I come up with :)

xo

Wake me up when September begins ..

2009-08-31T20:29:00.000-07:00

So much is going on this month.

Labor Day is this coming weekend, that means an extra day off! My nieces and my daughter are coming to spend the weekend! Which is perfect because all of my friends will be at Bumbershoot so I will have something to occupy me. I am broke but I have plenty of crafty things for us to do , plus lots of parks to walk to. Too bad the libraries are all closed.

I will be seeing We Were Promised Jetpacks and Frightened Rabbit at Neumos on September 16th and then heading home to Billings, MT, the next day. Which is my niece, Madison's, 3rd birthday. My good friend, Megan, and her husband's wedding reception is on the 19th of September. They were married in April, private and small, and are now throwing a party for their friends and family. I can't wait to meet her daughter, June! Then spending the rest of the time squeezing in as many visits with people as possible and the last two days will be spent with my Mom and niece. I haven't been home for over a year. It will be nice to see everyone and, of course, take a few trips to Taco Johns for potato oles! :)

My Autumn online craft class starts on September 15th with the girls at Red Velvet Art!
Martha and I will be attending Miike Snow at Neumos!
At some point, I plan to record some vocals with the boys next door. I get to write my own lyrics. I am a little nervous. The only vocals I have ever recorded were for Jared and I just sang along to his vocals that were already recorded. It should be interesting .. and therapeutic.

I should be starting school by the end of September. I have some things to go over with my sister this weekend to determine where I can get the most bang for my governmentally funded buck. I think I may hold off on being a Phoenix for now.

All of the photos featured in this blog were taken at Volunteer Park on Saturday. I wish I had more than my iPhone with me, I had no idea there was a dahlia garden there. I plan to return sometime this week. Probably when the girls are here.

I am not normally a Summer person but this Summer has changed my life. I am a little sad that it went by so fast. But this can only mean that Autumn, my favorite of all seasons, can only be that much better.

I can't say it enough .. I am so fortunate and grateful for everything I have. Job, friends, family, animals, art, photography, MUSIC! I was meant to meet these people. Which means I was meant to be heart broken. It will only take time for it to stop hurting whenever I smile.

xoxo

Here's to second chances ..

2009-08-30T14:18:00.001-07:00

I thought the blooming season for Dahlias had ended .. I was very pleasantly surprised walking out of my front door and finding this:

This reminds me that second chances are still possible. Second chances at a new start without you ..

xoxo

Poke

2009-08-25T14:26:00.000-07:00

Poke at my iris, why can't I cry about this?
Maybe there is something that you know that I don't?

We adopt a brand new language, communicate through pursed lips,
You try not to put on any sexy clothes or graces.

I might never catch a mouse and present it in my mouth
To make you feel you're with someone who deserves to be with you.

But there's one thing we've got going and it's the only thing worth knowing.
It's got lots to do with magnets and the pull of the moon.

Why won't our love keel over as it chokes on a bone?
We can mourn its passing and then bury it in snow.

Or should we kick its cunt in and watch as it dies from bleeding.
If you don't want to be with me just say and I will go.

Well we can change our partners this is a progressive dance,
But remember it was me who dragged you up to the sweaty floor.

Well this has been a reel
I've got shin-splints and a stitch from weed(?)
But like a drunken night it's the best bits that are coloured in

Should look through some old photos I adored you in every one of those.
If someone took a picture of us now they'd need to be told that we had ever clung on tight and maybe not with arms at night.
I'd say she was his sister but she doesn't have his nose.

And now we're unrelated and rid of all the shit we hated,
But I hate when I feel like this and I never hated you.

sleepy puppa ..

2009-08-21T09:34:00.000-07:00

I lose some of my old self a little each day but gain that which is new.

xo

You know what, Pam ..

2009-08-17T12:00:00.000-07:00

I planned on just hanging out at home on Friday night to paint and craft and drink some wine but then my neighbors/friends invited me to go out with them. We walked all way down from 21st to 9th and back. Also, the way back is up hill most of the way. I was pretty well off by the time we walked home so I don't remember much. Just us walking and me playing MGMT on my iPhone so we had some sort of soundtrack. My legs are still killing me today. I am so out of shape.

Then Saturday morning, well noon time, I went to my Dad's in Everett and helped him pull out blackberry bushes. It was way easier then what I have previously experienced at an old apartmemt I managed because they had already been sprayed with weed killer so they were dead. Easy peasy. We ate and looked at art books and watched golf. Then had a really good talk. Later that night my Dad called me to tell me to stay strong. Good advice though I haven't been very good at being internelly strong as of late.

Then Saturday evening the afformentioned neighbors/friends had a barbecue/joint birthday. Mike and John. Really great guys. I am really happy to be getting to know them. They have also introduced me to some of their friends that are equally great. I laughed so hard that my sides hurt.

I am really looking forward to building on these relationships.

xoxo

New beginnings ..

2009-08-12T21:55:00.001-07:00

I enrolled in school today.

Yup.

And I am a little freaked out only because I know myself too well. I need to commit to this. I have to commit to this. But I am proud of myself just for making the call, going to the campus, meeting with an advisor, and making the commitment.

I am going for a BA in Web Design and Development.

Really, the math is all I am worried about. I will have to choose two of three for my pre-requisite: calculus, statistics, or discrete mathematics. And I can barely spell either of them let alone figure them out.

For about the first year I will be taking pre-reqs, then the fun stuff. There is a lot more entailed then I expected but I have to do it. A degree is so much more then a certificate no matter what I decide to do. I wish I could have realized that when I was 22.

No regrets! Just looking forward to the future and being happy that I started when I did.

Wish me luck..

xoxo

Red Velvet Art Autumn online class!

2009-08-12T09:54:00.000-07:00

Yes, it is still Summer but Autumn is just around the corner. Which I am so excited about. It is my favorite season!

This class is so perfect, 30 projects at $2 each. I am determined to do them all!

You can make your purchase here should you choose to partake.

I love this group of girls .. SO inspiring!

xoxo

Make-Over!

2009-08-11T21:46:00.001-07:00

Of the blogging kind .. I am in the process of updating and adding and primping and beautifying .. I plan to use this more.

So bear with me ..

xoxo

These are confusing times ..

2009-08-10T15:26:00.000-07:00

It has been really difficult for me to let go .. god knows how I've tried. I am only doing it to myself. I know that. But the neuro pathways have been formed and I don't know how to create new ones.

I don't know what my intention was in beginning this entry. My mind is now going in 12 different directions.

It has been over three weeks since I had any contact with him. In that last encounter, I screamed louder than I have in my entire life. I have yet to deal with the reason for it, I have to muster up all the courage I can on August 20th.

I want to call him, I want to text him, I want to email him. I want to yell and scream and tell him how much he hurt me and how much I hate him and then tell him how much I love him and beg him to come back. But neither of those scenarios will ever happen. I don't plan to speak to him anytime soon. If I can help it. I am actually pretty proud of the willpower I have had. Especially while drinking.

I have been trying my best to not express too much online with the thought that he just might read something and it will only feed his fucking ego.

My life will go on, my life is going on. I just have to learn how to go on without him on my mind. ALL THE TIME. I have to stop being afraid of running into him .. or worse, run into him with her. I can't even fathom how I would react to that.

I keep saying how I have amazing, tremendous people in my life. And they have helped me so much. (I cannot express enough how much I love Ellen) Now I even have someone new. A brand new friend of which I can have brand new adventures. He has already exposed me to new things that I am so excited about. I hope I can do the same for him.

This isn't over yet. There are more things I am needing to complete in order for this to be over once and for all. As cliche as it sounds, so I can get some closure.

Favorite new tv shows help. Spaced. It is so great but far too short. But seriously, a show where Simon Pegg preys to a poster of Buffy. Need I say more?

Anyway ..

xoxo

Full dance card ..

2009-08-06T11:08:00.000-07:00

Busy, busy, week ..

Yesterday I went to the Andrew Wyeth exhibit at the Seattle Art Museum with my Dad. It has been a long time since I was in a musuem, too long. I love the openess of art museums. There were some other works that I really enjoyed, I tried to remember the names of some of the artists but now I can't recall. I got lost in some of the paintings. I felt like I could stay there for hours but we were on a time crunch due to parking. Maybe I will go back by myself with my iPod and take my time.

Tonight, Paul and I are going to the Jim Henson exhibit at EMP. I am really excited about this, I wanted to take Hailey to it but it is free tonight and he asked me so I enthusiastically said YES. I can always take her to it later.

So then I took Friday off, just because. It will allow me to not worry about the time tonight with Paul and Steve Serfazo and clan are in town from Billings for a wedding so I hope to spend some time with them tomorrow. It is supposed to be cloudy and rainy! Perfect Northwest weather! i love it.

I sort of want to attend the KEXP BBQ on Saturday but we'll see.

Then on Saturday night, Ellen and I are going to Econo Prom for Tracy's birthday. Dressing up in tacky dresses and going to a dance where you are actually allowed to drink! Sweet! I'm excited for a girls night. Watch for photos: flickr.com/doublegrr

Back to work.

xoxo

My life according to Jack White

2009-07-31T22:06:00.001-07:00

Pick your Artist:
Jack White songs from The White Stripes, The Raconteurs, and The Dead Weather

Are you a male or female:
You're Pretty Good Looking For A Girl

Describe yourself:
You Don't Understand Me

How do you feel:
I Just Don't Know What To Do With Myself

Describe where you currently live:
St. James Infirmary Blues

If you could go anywhere, where would you go?
Hotel Yorba

Your favorite form of transportation:
New Pony

Your best friend?
Consoler Of The Lonely

You and your best friends are:
It's True That We Love One Another

What's the weather like?
Yellow Sun

Favorite time of day:
In The Cold, Cold Night

If your life was a TV show, what would it be called:
It's My Fault For Being Famous

Your relationship:
A Martyr For My Love For You

What is life to you:
Wasting My Time

Your fear:
Walking With A Ghost

What is the best advice you have to give:
Truth Doesn't Make A Noise

Thought for the Day:
Stop Breaking Down

How I would like to die:
One More Cup Of Coffee (the lyrics say more than the title)

My soul's present condition:
The Hardest Button To Button

My motto:
Cash Grab Complications On The Matter

Slowly but surely ..

2009-07-26T20:08:00.000-07:00

A piece here, a piece there .. it is all coming together.

I really don't know where to begin .. I am not going to explain everything but just say that I am finally seeing a light at the end of this long, dreary tunnel.

It was so hot today. Every part of my body where the skin isn't exposed is covered with a layer of sweat between it and whatever is over it. Clothing, other body parts, the couch, the floor, an animal, whatever I am knitting. Yes, I am knitting in the heat of July. I have to start stock piling for the winter so I can finally open my etsy shop.

I am finally able to eat without being nauseated. Which in a way is a bummer, I was sort of saving money on food and I think I lost a couple of pounds. But I had to stop living in denial and started eating yogurt and drinking kombucha and now the tummy is back to normal.

Why have I let it go this far? Why have I allowed myself to feel this way? It has consumed my every waking moment to the point where I was no longer making rational decisions. And I don't even know why. Was it out of love or possessiveness?

At one point, I had made some wise crack about his new and improved life. He replied stating his life isn't new and improved. More recently I was thinking about what I had said and discovered that my life is new and improved and I have been too busy wallowing to even notice.

I am very fortunate to have my job which I am very fluent at and am managed by someone that has much confidence in me. I live in a new, diverse neighborhood with fucking awesome neighbors (fucking awesome), as a result of said neighborhood I am MUCH closer to my friends and have been able to rebuild friendships and get to know them in ways I never realized I didn't know them (Love you, Ellen), I have been able to build bonds with people that I had none with and find out there really are people out there that care and want to help in times of need (i.e., Jack, Brandy, Nicole .. A-mazing people). I have been spending more time with my family, god, I love them. Including my Dad, which is crazy. I have great school opportunities and see the potential for lots of art and creating and photos .. The possibilities are endless.

I know there is more, that is all that I could come up with off the top of my head.

I was never dying .. But I'm gonna live.

xoxo

Weekend .. Yay!

2009-06-19T15:13:00.000-07:00

It is almost here .. I have just over two hours of work then I get to browse the toy section for a gift for my niece, Lily's, FIRST birthday! Hopefully the weather will hold out long enough to enjoy some Manchester State Park time.

Meanwhile, here are some etsy faves I found today:

This is from the shop of sophistikate, found here http://www.domestikate.etsy.com/

I love the vintage feel of it and the decoupage is adorable. I probably wouldn't use it as a purse, too bulky, maybe a jewelry case.

I heart this painting by Danna Ray (pronounced like banana). Her etsy store is here http://www.etsy.com/shop.php?user_id=5318735

I really enjoy her paintings, the flow and the shading. Very nice.

This is one of many great pieces from Red Boots Design, here: http://www.etsy.com/shop.php?user_id=5156242

I am really getting into screen printing and silkscreening. I look at stuff like this and am like, "Why didnt I make that?!"

Well, weekend here we come!

xoxo

Inspiration ..

2009-06-14T01:56:00.001-07:00

This photo of Drew Barrymore from the May 2009 issue of Elle magazine is so inspiring. This is how I want to live life. Carefree, happy, beautiful, and fluently. When I turned to this page all I could do is gaze at it. I have always been drawn to Drew (look at me referring to her as if she were a good friend) just from her spirit and creativeness. She is truly beautiful.

I can honestly say I have walked into a salon with a photo of Drew wanting my hair to be like hers. That was just over eight years ago.

Anyway, the whole point is the photo. The idea for the shoot and how perfect of a subject they had. It's fantastic.

xoxo

Have you seen the film 'My Date With Drew'? It's cute. Check it out.

Gettin' mah shit together ..

2009-06-12T22:52:00.000-07:00

This weekend ..

1. Dentist .. eww

2. Venture with the puppa to the Capitol Hill Garage Sale

3. Paint the kitchen and possibly the bathroom.

4. Do some more organizing. (I am still unpacking)

5. Make something pretty.

6. Get sewing machine out .. I can only learn by doing.

7. Update blog more and post pretty/amusing/intelligent/inspiring things.

8. Get Father's Day things together.

9. Work out Saturday AND Sunday, not including walking the dog.

10. Take camera on said walk(s).

Muscle relaxers are kicking in. Must sleep now.

xoxo

Set your phasers to sexy ..

2009-05-11T11:21:00.000-07:00

FINALLY saw Star Trek this weekend .. it was a Mother's Day present to myself :) I know it has only been out for a few days but I have been waiting for this film for over a year and a half!

It was breathtaking .. I was almost in tears in the first five minutes. The acting was great, the visuals were great. I love how there were little things that only die hard fans would know and yet it is a good film to see if you have never watched Star Trek in your life.

I took my good friend, Ellen, which she had never seen any of the previous films or series and half way through the movie she turned to me and said, "I totally want to watch everything else now."

I never thought I would be so proud to turn someone into a Trekkie!

xoxo

ps. Poor little Porthos .. :(

The Great Move of 2009

2009-04-25T16:31:00.001-07:00

.. has commenced ..

One day in and I am kinda freakin' out .. Three years in one apartment and I have one week to pack.

The animals are restless .. wandering around the apartment wondering what the hell is going on. I bought Willow three new balls at the dollar store and that has helped entertain her for about 20 minutes. She keeps placing them underneath her bed and then attempts to dig a hole through the bed in order to get the ball.

I keep finding stray puzzle pieces. Makes me think of him. Which I shouldn't. He has moved on and that is what I am doing. Why I was so determined to move, for change. I need it desperately.

So, I have plenty of 5 hour energy drinks, diet pepsi, ramens, and twizzlers to fuel me and get me through this move.

Check up on me, k, in case I have a heart attack and am on the floor, foaming at the mouth.

xoxo

2009-04-22T06:54:00.000-07:00

This was a very difficult shot to get .. am I showing too much skin?

Boy, taking these photos REALLY makes me want to work out like every second.

oh, and about the bruises on my back .. haha .. its from 'cupping' .. it is a chinese medicine practice. After the cupping my acupuncturist gave me an awesome massage .. just what I needed! Pammie ain't gettin' no lovin' anymore ..

I am a touchy feely person and the most feely I have gotten in a long time are hugs from family and friends .. I need physical contact sometimes, ya know .. anyway, it was perfect.

At the moment, I am making a salad for the office potluck and plan to stay clear of anything made of macaroni.

Happy Wednesday!

xoxo

Remember ..

2009-04-20T20:15:00.000-07:00

Borrowed from: http://shelbynycole.blogspot.com/

I need to remember this .. every second of ever day.

xoxo

The Ice Is Getting Thinner

2009-04-10T10:25:00.000-07:00

We're not the same, dear, as we used to be
The seasons have changed and so have we
There was little we could say and even less that we could do
To stop the ice from getting thinner under me and you

We buried our love in the wintery grave
A lump in the snow was all that remained
But we stayed by its side, as the days turned to weeks
And the ice kept getting thinner with every word that we'd speak

When the spring arrived, we were taken by surprise
When the flows under our feet bled into the sea
And nothing was left for you and me

We're not the same dear and it seems to me
There's nowhere we can go with nothing underneath
Then it saddens me to say what we both knew was true
That the ice was getting thinner under me and you

The ice was getting thinner under me and you

I don't care about clever, I don't care about funny ..

2009-03-26T18:04:00.000-07:00

It's been awhile since I've posted here .. so here is an update ..

My back is killing me. It has for the past two weeks, actually waking me in the middle of the night. BUT! I have an appointment with the wonderful Elaina tomorrow for acupuncture! It's been about a year since I last saw her and I am almost more excited to see her then have a treatment. (haha .. "It's time for your treatment." ala Dollhouse)

For the past two weeks, at work, I have been off the phones and just printing and mailing itemized statements which is a fabulous way to spend the LAST TWO WEEKS IN THE CALL CENTER! Yay! Tomorrow is my last day, not including overtime on Saturday but that is only for four hours. I am moving upstairs to Insurance A/R, a department I have been a part of before but I will be under a different manager which is exciting.

I bought a new car two weeks ago. My ghetto fly is over and done for. It has served me well but I am tired of paying to fix it only to have it in the shop a month later. I bought a 2003 Honda Civic Hybrid! It is so nice! It actually has a CD player and working heat!

What else?

I will be heading out to Gig Harbor in a couple of weeks, my neice and nephew that live in Navada will be here for Spring Break and my sister has asked me to film their visit and take photos. Family photoshoot!

Man Plus has tons of show booked before their new album comes out. I have been wanting to have a photoshoot with them but schedules havent worked out. My show photos don't come out too well, I am not experienced enough and I think I need a new lens for low light photos. I need to take some classes. I know I have the heart and eye for photography it is just a matter of knowing how to use the equipment in order to capture what I see.

Well, I am off to my last one on one with my great supervisor that I will miss dearly.

xoxo

My Friday Attire

2008-12-05T08:54:00.001-08:00

Friday 12.05.08 by Suskind

Sunday Evening

2008-11-09T23:21:00.000-08:00

The dreaded Sunday. It's quite common. Sunday evening has a bad rap (i know you know what i meant by rap but is that the correct spelling in this context?).

It's the end of the weekend, things are winding down and you have to start thinking about the even more dreaded Monday. Is the laundry done? The i have lunches and dinners planned for the week?

For me, Monday is the busiest day at work.

Anyhoo, we were talking about Sunday.

When i was growing up, i despised Sunday evening. Having to think about going to school the next day, the beginning of the week. A whole five more days till the weekend.

Anymore, i reflect on what i did over the weekend. If i didnt accomplish anything i am regretful and feel i wasted the weekend. Sunday gives me regrets. I feel like i dont have any other chance redeem the wasted time. Sunday is an ending of sorts.

But what if it was a new beginning. Yes, i know Monday is the beginning but what if i looked at it more like a fresh start. I get to hit the reset button. Start all over.

Sunday evening i can think of all my new beginnings for the week.

I am not going to dread going to work.

I am going to give myself something to look forward to.

I will work out as much as possible.

I will drink more water everyday.

I will work on something crafty everyday, even if its only for ten minutes.

I will call a friend this week.

I will call my mother.

I will write a letter to my brother.

I will try harder to take the dog for a walk.

I won't lose my temper.

I will get back into cooking (i have been really lazy).

I will clean the house for at least ten minutes everyday.

I am going to study more.

Then next weekend, I am not going to drink so much to cause myself to have regrets about my weekend.

That's a good start.

xoxo

Real Change

2008-11-03T22:56:00.001-08:00

We hope.

Well, the election is tomorrow. As the procrastinator that i am i haven't turned in my absentee ballot yet. Luckily, the Renton Court House that i drive by everyday is a drop off point.

There has to be a change. There has to be. Our country can't go on like this. We need real change.

Plus, i cant stand to see another political tv ad. It is, however, nice to see everyone on board. Well, most everyone. There have been tv shows working something to do with voting into their eps. Some to do with the presidential candidates and some that came up with their own reason to vote.

Go Vote. Please.

xoxo

Knittin' Fool

2008-10-21T23:33:00.001-07:00

My toes are cold ..

So here is a photo of me wearing my latest thrift store sweater creation. I bought this multi purple yarn at Value Village awhile ago, i would almost say last year maybe. I like to go to thrift stores, find sweaters that seem simple to pull apart, pull them apart, make them into several balls of yarn, then store them for months. Eventually, i take them out and make scarves or hats with them.

I will usually mix them with other colors but this yarn had so many different shades of purple, that it was difficult to match anything with it. I am sort of anal that way. I gave it to my friend, Anthony, for his birthday. He loved it! :)

Another friend of mine at work was also wearing a scarf i made for her birthday last winter and i got so many compliments that i got a holiday order! Six scarves and a hat! On top of that i have more Birthday and Christmas gifts planned! I am going to be a busy knitter this season. My fingers might fall off by the end of December.

At least I'll be able to catch up on my Netflix queue.

xoxo

You're there

2008-10-19T00:47:00.000-07:00

I was sitting here, tired and a little depressed. I had decided to not go out to see my friends that had put on this Justin Timberlake cover night with some local Seattle bands. It usually happens that i regret it when i dont go to shows. I always plan on going and then i get really anxious and lazy and decide not to go. Then i regret it later.

Sometimes when i am tired i feel like there isnt any point in it all. I think about how i dont want to put an effort into anything and all is hopeless.

That was happening tonight. i thought i would be stuck at the same dead end job that i hate and never make anything of myself and never be happy.

Then i had some caffeine and Cat Stevens told me,"Don't be shy, just let your feelings roll on by. Don't wear fear, or nobody will know you're there."

Then i got off my ass and went to the show.

It was just Jared and Reese, Coco and his friend Tyler (i think that's his name). But it was fun. It was great to have a chance to talk to just Jared and Reese without everyone else around. Though, of course, i love everyone else.

The band that played after Coco told him that he played too long, he was too loud, and he didnt know how to play music. He was genuinely upset about it, i guess. Coco just laughed in his face. Reese was afraid the guy was actually going to try to beat him up after the show.

Their music was pretty shitty but if i were another musician playing with them, i wouldnt tell them. That's just tacky.

So, if you are ever in Seattle and know of a band called Berkley Heights, tell them their jerks and their music sucks. He needs to stop singing like Fran Drescher.

xoxo

For the best ..

2008-10-03T17:25:00.000-07:00

Most everyone has heard this time and time again .. but i am fairly certain that it is finally over .. Though it is something that we have talked about and attempted for a long time, i am still sad .. I have lost my best friend, i talk to him every day .. that's what will be the hardest part. And i look at the dog and know how much she loves him and that she will never see him again .. i am sure he is sad about that, too .. It's so hard to sit here and write this, though i know its all been my fault. I made my own choices knowing exactly what the consequences would be. He says i dont love him, otherwise i wouldnt have done the things i did .. that's not true. You always hurt the one you love. Wow, that's cliche. I do care deeply for him, i guess i just have some issues that i have to work out before i try this again. I am not making an excuse, i own up to every bad thing i did. He had decided to stay in spite of that and felt like shit every time he was near me. Now he has decided to leave. Which probably was the only way it would stick. After six fucking years.

So i stayed home today, mostly because my ears have been excruciating .. i spent the day cleaning, writing letters, reading, playing on the internet, making crafty things .. i bathed the dog .. and she just jumped on my lap, busting me in the nose causing it to bleed .. Nice going Willow ..

He says that he has a great support group of friends now that he is pleasantly surprised about .. he hasnt had many friends over the years so i am really happy for him, and a little envious as i have gone through spurts of being a recluse. I always plan on going to shows to see my friends but hours before my anxiety gets the best of me. The only way i am going to have lasting relationships with my friends is if i build them, if i make the effort. God, i need to move. That would help.

I am excited to say i am going out to the Olympic Peninsula tomorrow to see my family, finally, i havent been out there since June.

I think the thing that hurts the most is how dead on he is about me .. realizing my flaws and knowing how hard its going to be to correct them. But i will prevail. I hope.

xoxo

ps. Isn't the Velvet Underground the perfect music for a rainy fall afternoon? I think so.

here's to the future

2008-07-13T13:12:00.000-07:00

Is it easier to know that a relationship is ending or have the break-up be a sudden surprise?

either way, its lousy.

i just spent today and last night gathering the last of my belongings from Richard's apartment. clothing, toiletries, computer files, board games, dog dishes. Though i hated that apartment its close quarters, messiness, ants. i shed a tear when i left today.

5 years.

of love, of hate, of playing and fighting. laughter .. lots of laughter.

on the way home i found the heat not as bad as yesterday and i was compelled to take the long, scenic drive home down hwy 99 .. i take that drive and have all these thoughts and feelings going through my mind. i always wish i had the time and a camera to be able to stop along the way and photograph the city. i contemplated stopping at the fremont sunday farmers market. i saw the cruise ships along elliot bay and remembered the documentary on the titanic i watched last and wondered whether they even compare the size of it .. i guess i could look it up.

so now is a time for self reflection. before i can love another i have to love myself. wow is that cliche.

so tomorrow we will speed to Portland together to slide into our front row seats for Eddie Izzard and then part ways.

i know i can live without him but its going to take some time to find my way.

so i will be throwing myself in art, friends, workouts. maybe school. hopefully stop loathing my job.

here's to the future.

Rain Rain Rain ..

2008-06-06T13:51:00.000-07:00

It has been raining non-stop for a couple of days now .. typical spring weather .. i like it
Why bitch about the rain if you live in the Pacific Northwest .. i have always loved it.

I am finally on the mend. It's amazing how good feeling normal can be.

I have been feeling really artistic and inspired lately. I have been working on a few things at home. I love making things for the people i love. Personal things. So they know that i have paid attention.

I am LOVING the Scarlett Johansson album! Heart .. heart .. heart it! I love how sometimes i will listen to something and not really like that much and then find that the songs are stuck in my head and i HAVE to listen to it.

I am stuck at home this weekend. My car is being funny and i am broke till next Friday. Lots of time for artwork, films, and reading. Oh and cleaning my house as usual. There is still some clean-up from when i was sick.

Well, lunch is almost over. Daddy and Mommy are standing by. Must eat strawberries and blueberries fast.

xoxo

Renewal and Sickness

2008-06-02T14:04:00.000-07:00

Ugh! i have been sick for a week now. I am sick of being sick. i am at work holding on for dear life.

So, a long time has passed since i last wrote on this blog. A lot and nothing has gone on. I am proud to know after reviewing previous posts that i have been off meds for over a year. Kickboxing didnt hold for transportation and personal reasons. But i have started a new work out routine and have seen results in as little as two - three weeks. Even friends and family have noticed. But i have to get back into my routine as i havent been working out due to illness.

I have had some recent inspirations which make the outlook brighter. LOTS more to come.

Break is over.

xoxo

Whole Wide World

2007-04-27T12:08:00.000-07:00

Things are going well, i suppose. i have been off of my medication now for two whole weeks. i can still feela slight weirdness in my head at times, its difficult to explain the sensation. But otherwise my moods have been good, anxiety has been low.

i am still working out most days, going to my kickboxing classes. I have been to four so far. Then i have on tonight and tomorrow morning.

I am still not seeing any visual results. The only differences are my energy level and my moods. Both have been really high. So that's good.

I will be leaving for Billings on different dates now. I am not sure if i mentioned that before. I found out the Manplus is planning a mini tour to Missoula and Billings the weekend after my original dates so i changed my ticket for the next week. I will be leaving the night of May 30th and coming home June 4th. Manplus is attempting to book a venue in Billings on June 2nd and are having a hell of time with it, so Jared as told me.

You would think that they would be excited to have new acts come to town. School Yard Heroes has a show booked in Billings, for crying outloud. Why not Manplus?! Not only are they a new act for Billings from Seattle but it is half consisted of Montana natives! Where's the love?!

ok, gotta work ..

xo

Variety is the spice of life

2007-04-19T17:21:00.000-07:00

I went to my second kickboxing class last night. I am not sure if having withdrawals from my meds is affecting my attention span or if what we were doing was just more complicated. I don’t know why I expected the same routines as last week. If we did the same thing every week, that would be boring.

Its interesting when I look at the people in my class its like I’ve known them. It reminds me of when I first started working for Clearly Lasik, at the time King and Mockovak Lasik. I was comfortable around them, I felt like I knew all of them. As if they were going to be people that I would get to know well and would be a regular part of my life. Its good for me to be feeling this for my fellow classmates because it means that I will be there for a long time, that I will continue to attend the school. (www.leadingedgekickboxing.com)

My partner last night was great. Her name is Holly and she is another red head. It may have been a mistake to have asked her to partner up because I think I got more of a work-out from giggling then from kickboxing. She was really sweet and encouraging.

I also did cardio on the elliptical before my class. I was so exhausted last night. Thirty minutes of cardio and an hour of kickboxing. I love that when the teacher, John, says to put the equipment away when class is over I am thinking, “Why?” then I look at the clock and discover that class is over. It goes by so quick.

So what’s funnier then watching a person walk into a sliding glass door? Watching your dog do it! Willow thought that I was about to open the door while we were outside and she banged right into it. I was almost on the ground from laughing so much. Hopefully there is no brain damage.

At some point in the middle of the night she managed to eat almost and entire 6 inch subway veggie patty sandwich and a white chocolate macadamia nut cookie. I don’t know how she did it. That thing was HALF HER SIZE!!! I was so pissed. I still am. I will probably get another one on the way home from the gym tonight. Just because I always get a twelve inch sandwich, eat half, and then save the rest for later. I will feel incomplete if I can’t start that process over again and not follow through. This time I won’t leave them on the coffee table.

xo

in my own skin ..

2007-04-17T10:13:00.000-07:00

So today is either day three or day four without taking my medication. I cant remember if i took it Thursday night or Friday night. But i feel ok. I feel the effects a little more today than yesterday but the withdrawals aren't so bad as they have been in the past. I am hoping it wont get any worse. I am not concerned about the depression coming back as much as the anxiety. I am working out enough to not really worry about getting depressed.

I have been working out solid for almost two weeks now. Either i use the eliptical and lift weights in my office building, walk the dog, go to kickboxing class, or do my ball exercises at home. Even when i stay at Richard's i use his exercise bike.

I have been really good about my eating, too. The worst things i have had were pizza with low-fat ranch and mac n' cheese. The mac n' cheese WAS organic though. I was craving it and had to buy organic non-fat milk for it which was the first milk i have bought since January.

I haven't seen any results yet but Liz says it can take up to 6-8 weeks. Le sigh. I just have to keep at it. I have managed to turn the typical society reaction around to my advantage however. Whenever i see thinner, good looking girls in magazines or on television it just encourages me to work harder to reach my goal. I know i won't be Kate Moss thin, and i dont want to be. I want to be healthy and fit and more confident. I want to be comfortable in my own skin.

i have to pee

2007-04-09T13:50:00.000-07:00

So i FINALLY bought a new cell phone!! After almost three weeks. I can get FM radio on it, which in itself is pretty basic but i have never had it on a cell phone before.

My weekend was normal. Watched some movies from Netflix .. The Baxter is very cute. Justin Theroux is smokin' hot and Michelle Williams is adorable.

I got up to clean my house on Saturday. I had the energy but then lost the motivation. I hate that.

It was generally a lazy weekend. Talked to my mommy and my brother. I hate the situation that my mom is in. Especially when there is nothing i can do about it, nothing i can help her with. She is just stuck running the restaurant, working her ass off constantly. That place is going to kill her.

Anyway .. i guess i dont have anything to talk about.

very heavy load ..

2007-03-28T13:33:00.000-07:00

i was just on google.com where i have a personalized front page .. on the top it shows me the current song that is playing on KEXP. It was Manplus and it made my day .. i couldnt listen to it unfortunetely.

yesterday i bought a plane ticket to Montana for May 23rd through the 28th. I am excited. I get to meet my new niece, Madison, who was born last September and my best friend, Joelle, had a baby boy recently. I can't talk to her due to my lack of phone so i have no idea when he was born or even what his name is. :( But i can't wait to meet him!

Plus i get to bring Willow and that is always a good time.

It has been over a year since i have been back to sucky old Billings. It should be interesting.

I miss my mom.

present

2007-03-26T14:29:00.000-07:00

I have attempted many times to create a seperate blog outside of myspace. I figure now would be a good time to finally commit to it considering i have limited access to myspace, this way i have an avenue to write and vent and hopefully keep people posted. Those that want to be kept posted.

So here we are .. its monday .. i am tired. Working on a special project at work. Fun fun.

I am planning a trip to Vegas for Richard and I. It is for a Star Trek Convention in August. I am excited and its also giving me motivation to get in shape for it. My goal is to be able to comfortably wear a bathing suit by then. Only 139 days to go.

On this diet, i have cut out coffee and am only drinking green tea. I have been eating mostly vegitarian since January already but am really dedicated to not cheating anymore. I plan to stop eating sweets. I did finish a some ice cream off yesterday. And i have been regularly going to the gym in my office building.

Ok, break is over.